Somewhere in between

So after two weeks of hard events, we came to a planned two weeks rest before the next phase of events. The fact that these two works feel a blur as I reflect on them, should be telling of how that went! I felt very frazzled and mentally burnt out. The Ultra in particular had been a lot mentally, it took a lot to drive myself over the line and finish and going straight into another event, didn't give a lot of time to stop and take it in. So the Monday as we drove home, I was mentally frazzled, proud but nervous of what was to come. The week started well, with getting onto a course I really wanted to do at work and in this time I also found out I was awarded Senior Fellow for the Higher Education Academy, which felt a good bit of vindication, after a rough few years professionally, that had knocked the stuffing out of me. Still a long way to go here, and more of that later, but it was a good start. But I was still tired and getting annoyed at myself for being grumpy, stupidly I thought I'd just power through this and it was tiredness from the events, but there was trouble brewing I just didn't know it yet. In amongst all of this it became apparent that my poor beloved bike, Alan was in a right state. The mechanic I had been using, had not taken the care of it, I thought, but luckily the guys at Gloucester Bike Project, took pity on the naïve idiot I am with bike repairs and squeezed it in for a much needed (and pricey repair!) Nervously I had to wait and put the worry of if it would be ready for the Dragon Devil to one side and worry about recovery with the small matter of getting ready to move. My brain was going 100mph at this point, one minute worrying about move, proud of the Ultra, annoyed at being tired, grumpy and packing. Exercise became a go through the motions at this point, not like me at all, but I was hopefully I'd come through it. Then it came to move too, which was full on, busy and like all moves. But my stress levels and handling of it weren't great and I could have handled it better, I realise how out of it I was and it must have been hard work for Em at this time! It, on reflection now (we've been in over two months) was worth it and we have an amazing home, but at the time it was a lot to deal with, and I'd gotten into a very selfish, self-pity place, without realising it. In hindsight, I just put toom much on myself, trying to be the big heroic man, who got it all done. It was all just bottled put away to deal with later, I didn't stop and handle it well and their was a reckoning coming as a result of this. The first was crashing Em's new car at the tip, when I was rushing and getting stupidly angry as if this was anyone's fault but mine. This was the first pressure valve moment, but stubbornly I pressed on and ignored it, rather than just listening to Em, mum etc and taking a few days to get my head together. We had a nice weekend as a family and I hoped that would be enough and as I cycled into work on the mercifully repaired bike, on Monday, I felt confident I was in a good place. I was an idiot. The clues were still there, I was stupidly frustrated at the internet not being ready, the dishwasher breaking, the stress of the move was getting to me and the after effects of the events. But their was just enough positive news to keep me going, so I ignored it. I can't express how much I valued the support of those around me at the time. I didn't bloody show it, being angry and grumpy, but Em had to hold it together while I was so closed off, Her mum was amazing in the move, helping us move in, being a calming influence and my mum, just kept my feet grounded and looked after monkey while we moved. And that takes us to the Friday, where having paid a fortune to unblock the drain's we headed off to Dorset, for event 3.... The Giant's Head..... we'd find out if I could hold it together enough now.