It (didn't) start with a kitchen floor

When it comes to mental health I certainly can talk a good game. "It's ok to get help".... "It's ok to not be ok.".... etc etc, all the cliches.... I know them and I've lived them. I've always been told I'm strong and I'm resilient... that I can handle most things. But resiliency is not an absolute, it's not an attribute we can be all the time. It's something we can dip into or call upon perpetually. Being asked to be resilient all the time isn't fair, nor is it possible. It cannot be a constant. Now, I'm going to acknowledge, that the last few years, have been bloody hard for me and my family. Their hasn't been a single huge issue, lots of issues all coming at the same time, has worn me down and also seeing those around me struggle and not being at my best to help them has chipped at me too. I'm realising with hindsight that resilience was what kept me going as long as I did and that I can reflect all I like (and it's a blog so I will) on what put me on the floor that fateful day. But the reality is a bit of all of the above. Taking my mental health for granted, being resilient for too long and a stubborn refusal to stop and adapt, are what put me on the floor. I can't remember what tipped me over the edge, it would have been something trivial but it was enough for me to have, what I think is the only panic attack I've had in life, and slumping onto the floor by our washing machine, while Em tried to talk me round. She did but it took a while and it has taken me a few months still to get to the point now where I can talk about it. A few more months of struggling through and getting to where we are now, has been required for me to really truly start to realise I need to move on. Our reality and lives have changes massively, mostly for the better and where my resiliency needs to go now, is into giving myself healthy outlets to cope whilst I navigate the areas I can control and change, where the unhappiness stems from. A big one for me has been adjusting and stopping swimming against the tide. I've started to find some balance of making time to exercise which is such a big outlet, and so leaning back to having some challenges next year has been a big help, and i'm excited by them. I've also started to look at my personal development, taking on some coaching and looking at where I can grow and develop. So slowly I'm picking up the pieces and this blog will be a way to document that journey, there'll be some jumping around and focusing on various things, some about the journey to that damm floor, other about the journey after the fall.