Insanity: Signing up for the London Marathon.... again

"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too." - Terry Pratchett

If you like this blog then please do sponsor me: https://www.justgiving.com/page/russrunslondon2025 Current fundraising total: £119 out of £1500 Current garmin predicted Marathon time: 4 Hours 10 Minutes 18 Seconds

The last time I ran the London Marathon, the only time in fact, was 2019. Life was very different back then. I was and felt younger, I was much more naïve about what running a Marathon involved; I didn't have the fear, I didn't overthink it. Work was easier. I didn't have a son, in fact running was a massive distraction from the growing frustrations of this failure. We were just about to start the long road to adoption, via a failed series of fertility treatments, 2 miscarriages and covid. I was running away from my failures. I had time, I had commitment, I didn't have the responsibilities I have now, or parental responsibilities. So what do I have? what could possible drive me to decide to do this again? Well firstly a massive chip on my shoulder. The last few years, I've been off my game, it's what this whole blog is about. I had to fight to have a family, then I had to fight to have a career and to prove my worth. My mental health suffered, and exercise was huge in keeping me going. But as I've got older, I've noticed diminishing returns. I want to have a goal, something to see, if I still have it in me, to push myself and do something that surpasses my expectations of myself. A desire. The willingness to help a charity, a cause, that I believe in with all my being; No child should have to go through what I and my family went through. But; people die. And sadly, in the most tragic circumstances. So we need Winston's Wish. I needed them and still do. Other's need them. And I will continue to give back, until the day I die. I want my dad to be proud of me, I understand this desire more than ever. But it still drives me. I'll never hear him say the words, in truth, the way he was, even if he was alive, he wasn't one to say that. But I still want him to be. And now; I want my son to be proud of me. I want to be a good role model, not perfect, I think he needs to see me struggle. But I want him to see my do stuff with my life. Selfishly I want that moment of having him at the finish line, and the photo of him in my arms with a medal. But not just him, Em, my partner in crime, the one who supports me like no other, the only person I ever wanted a family with, who through all the hard times, all the shit, has been there. The constant. My stubborn streak, my ongoing need to prove the world wrong, the desire to matter. To do stuff, people, myself included, think I can't do. To have fun. Running and cycling are my escape, they've keep me going, having a reason to run, while I can. So I know my why, and I know what I can't do. Training is going to be harder, I'll have to carve out time, and to fundraise too. It's a huge undertaking to fundraise for a Marathon, It needs time and effort too. But I want to be present with my family too. So if anything has to give it'll be training, and that's ok. I can't have a perfect training plan. I've wanted to be a dad so long, I can't be grudge the time I have to put in, to be a good dad, now I have it. It's a blessing and a privilege and I hope I never take it for granted. I also know with every fibre of my being, I won't do anything as monumentally stupid as a 24 hr rugby match as part of the fundraising. It must be much more grounded and realistic. At the same time, I can't ignore the desire to sub 4 a marathon, so when it's in my power, I'll put all I can into making that happen. The need to find balance in everything will be key. And the main thing... how much can I raise? Last time I raised £2562, so I want to surpass that. And here.... here is where the fear... that grounds me.... that keeps me honest is.... I know I can run 26.2 Miles, I will crawl it if I have to.... But do I have the ability to do the fundraising. I fear people are bored of me, my story, I've become more anxious over time, can I make people believe in me, in my cause again. This is the one thing I look at and ponder, I don't know. I've talked about dad so much, I'm in my 40's now.... Do people think I should be over it. But then.... the anger comes back. I've lived so much life without dad. He didn't see me graduate, He didn't meet Em, He didn't see me get married, see me struggle to get the family, most take for granted, He wasn't there when I needed him, he never met his grandson.... I get angry, then I get guilty, then I get sad, then I laugh at how he'd react to the fuss I make about him. He was flawed, like I am. Ultimately he was just dad, and fuck do I miss him. So ultimately if my fundraising connects me to him, why should I justify it to myself. I should just do it. And so, that's the thoughts that got me into this mess again. What I mused over to justify if I have the Marathon in me again. We'll find out in April.... Till then I have some work to do.....