Hold your breath and count to 10, fall apart and start again.

I've put off writing this blog for a while. It's not easy to go back and go over how I fell apart, and it's a time of feeling rather shamed by how I was. But as I close off this chapter in my llife, ready to move on, I need to put it to bed. I'm in a better place than I was and so now I'm finally ready to reflect. So here we go...

I felt rough in the morning, after the event before. The Giant's head was more unforgiving than I dared imagine. And a bad nights sleep did not help. I was hot, then cold and the sweat poured off of me. Slowly over the day I felt better and we went home, where I started to feel exhausted and burnt out again. I was very irritable and very difficult to be around. Another night of an awful sleep and a fever made me realise, there was no way I could do the Dragon Devil, so I decided to call it, it was one step to far and it was time to accept that, for now, I'd gone as far as I could. It was a huge weight off, even if I did (and to an extent still do) feel like I failed at what I set out to do, I just felt pressure and it wasn't fun at this point. Looking back, I'm immensely proud of what I had accomplished. An Ultra Marathon, A century ride, A house move and another Ultra in the space of four weeks. And more importantly £448 for Weldmar Hospice and £655 for Winston's Wish.

I'd found my limit and pushed beyond it. In future I need to fuel and recover better, be less stubborn and rest. And make sure I space my events more effectively. Still I don't regret trying what I did. I do regret, how I carried myself when I was low. Because a few days into recovery, I had another panic attack. A huge argument, me in tears, incoherent, and it all came out. So much frustration, mainly the bruden of work, and just sheer exhaustion. It's hard to find the words to explain it, but it was years of getting a kicking from life, there wasn't a single contributing factor. But a constant desire to push forward. I've always been proud of my resilience, my ability to keep going. But it also became my downfall, I kept thinking I could push through. Covid, IVF, miscarriages, the adoption process, the threat of redundancy. Slowly I realised you can't constantly be resilient and it was just to much. I should of reached out, not lashed out. My behaviour that day and the way I angrily unloaded onto Em, was unacceptable, I can see that now and I'm so sorry to her for it. She did nothing but support me, with her own struggles going on. Seeing her and K, and how my behaviour effected them, shocked me into finally properly getting help....

A phone call, a trip to the drs and I was sat taking my first dose of Sertraline. Six months on and I'm still on it... and It's been a transformation. I'm calmer, and feeling more peaceful. Life is feeling much better, and some of that is down to me but also the support of my family. Soon I start a new job, and I have closure as I say by to one of the toughest periods of my professional career. But life is good. Homelife is hard, it always is with a toddler, but immensely rewarding, I just needed some time to slow down and I'm so glad I didn't completely lose my way, I'm still rebuilding, but I'm aware that this year has really been a good one. A new home, A new job, finding our feet more at home after a testing time and some good opportunities for Em. The journey has been hard, but been utterly worth it. And I also just feel fun again. It's not to say the frustration, hasn't gone completely, but I manage a little better. I still have work to do, but don't we all. And I also found time for one last adventure... well for this year anyway.